Eternal insecurity in a spotless mind
The hair looks spiky, eyes look sleepy, there seem to be a layer greesy oil on top the face, that's me, woke up at noon looking into mirror while toothpaste took over my mouth and dirty stinky soccer socks are in lundry with expansive dressing pants. Is this a satisfied guy? All of sudden, I realize all the fight and conflict happening on the soccer field, all the guess and lack of trust toward girls and others are the sense of insecurity. While acting like a fireball on the team, and was ready to fire towards this filthy mouthed eternal loser (he actually is a good soccer player, only he had a really bad tamper and mouth, and now even worse, he injured for nearly two years and looks fat, poor, lonely, old, mostly, angry), I caught in another player's eyesight, "just play the game" he whispered, and run away. Just play the game, it was ever deeply embedded into my memory and I realized, for the first time, I don't have to be on fire toward rude people or hostile environment. It may not because of me that they behave what they behave, or girls act like indifferent that make u wonder...or things make you doubt your entity and existance. It maybe just that they are how they are and you don't have to take it personal? Eternal insecurity has been putting me in defence for all this long...it's time to lose it. And I am ready.
I wish time goes slower after work
When it's not that exciting at work, after work hours seem so precious. A few hours before bed time always go away so fast...especially when I am anxious, like now, about someone, something...
Something about Les
She sounds easygoing, simple, or, rather easy. She looks great, extremely toned body, nice chiseled face, and great personality...We talked for 3 months now, recently started going out. I used to be indifferent about her, never think of her while we don't talk, never felt pain when there was no communication. She was always slow on reacting, which I was ok because I was not really into developing some relationships, and besides, I was slow to react as well. But now things start to turn around, I find myself like her, she looks cuter, sexier. Then I want more, more interaction, more time to be together. I never told her though, she remains the same, spending entire weekdays out of town on business, come back for weekend, among which there isn't a plan for us to be together, maybe I still appear to be indifferent to her?
Today is a really bad day
for me...
Sunday morning
I thought I finally figure out Katherine and Megan, by voice, personality etc., until bumping into the twins in pajama at a Sunday morning's lundry time, they look identical...that's kinda freaky
Looking back...
Great things continue happening to me, but never been thoroughly...When will it be thorough?
How do we love?
I am not sure anymore. I am not sure, nor do I have a clue about the feeling when I am with girls. The simplest is with Dancy. Straightforward. Anything else seems to be confusing. Lesillie seems to be nice, and she looks really good, maybe there is some attractions between us, but how big it is I am not sure. We seem talking about things to do, mostly happy things, fun things, even though life doesn't always seem to be so, I wanted to go deep on that with her, open up...but I am not sure anymore..."I will talk to you soon"that's what she always said when she left. I could never be the guy who open the car door for girls, It's hard, unnatural, I only want to be me. When Ceicillia told me "I am in love with him", I wonder, what is love?
Two sides of one person
I don't know his name, he looks crappy, weird, bad temper. I disliked him. When dayleader tried to discuss something with him, he went off all of sudden:"You think you know more about windsurf than I do?"...
The knot of the new 423 sail I got was deadly locked, so tight that I couldn't undo it. That crappy, weird, bad tempered old guy was coming toward me, there was some nameless anger inside of me, I wanted to let him know if I couldn't untie this knot, he wouldn't be able to do so as well. "hey, sir, can you do me a favor to figure this out?"I asked him. "Oh,..."He took the knots that I passed over, instead of undo it, He dropped it around the universal...And that's it, problem solved! "Oh, I am so stupid..."I complained to myself, "No, you are not...."The crappy guy laughed, and walked away.
He doesn't seem to be crappy anymore...maybe not even weird...
Bay, wind, people
That is the talk of the day. Waking up early, but getting up late, I went to berkeley marina around 1 pm, when the weather looks gloomy, sfc seems closer, bluer, not many people are on the bay surfing/sailing. I wondered why? Wind started to pick up shortly after I swinged off the inner surfing area, more accurately, I almost reached Emerivill's side of the bay: that is when I got a bit ambitious and switched to 558 sailL. I couldn't believe there is such a huge difference when uphaulting 558 and 4 sized sail. It just seemed so much heavier that I eventually changed back to 423. Everything seemed so smooth until I almost reached the end of bay again, when dayleader somehow spotted me through "telescope" and insisted I was way off the boundary for a novice. He offered a long "ride" back "home" and asked me to "see" him after I was done. The result was obvious. I was suspended for a few days before returning to the CSC next time, when it will be Tuesday, literally it won't affect me at all since I can only come over once a week.
Wind continued to pick up, it's 6pm, it's time to go home, and time to call Lesllie for tonight's party. She seemed happy to hear from me. Our ride to Alex's home was smooth, while she picked bunch of fruits from Safeway (she insisited to pay, what can I say). I knew she would fit in well in this crowd, however I didn't expect her to fit in so well. I know there is no competition there but I did get a bit jealous when other guys started to endlessly talk to her. Eventually we left early with lots of question marks in mind. There is always lot of guessing, thinking about how your date think of your date. I am getting a bit anxious, this time, since I feel I started to like her little by little, maybe even picture her to be my gf, which is significant to me. But she didn't entired be honest with me by words, so I continue to guess. That's when the happiness becomes questionable. I wanted to call her now to let her know I didn't see her enough tonight. But that might sound stupid, aggressive or dump! Should I call her tomorrow to ask her out to do something? She already said she would be busy?
I only wish people can be straightforward with each other.
Evelynn, Judy, Kwan continue to be single.
Jean continues to draw whoever followers she knew she would never like, but she just couldn't find those she might be falling love with.
Alex continues to appear as a player.
Jane continues the hubby talk with her very honest looking hubby.
There were two tall teenager girls who somehow mixed into these aged young crowd. They seemed fitting in ok.
Oh, Ceicillia, finally, she asked me what was going on between me and Lesillie, and she went straight with me about her new well established boyfriend, who is a kidney doctor, who is very bookish and handsome looking. I guess I just know Ceicillia too well.
Paul and Angie are leaving for Paris in two weeks, somehow, I never got to know them well.
And James, who continues to behave like a child. Finally, welcome Jonnathan, this Harvard JD, to CSPA single club..
Oh, human......
That talk about attraction...
Stupid
What food network tells me
about business identity. Buzz!! It's not advertising. It's about PR: paying small amount of money to have people say nice thing about you. Simply put, create buzz!
Be honest about the attraction
Texas outback show was on, it's about dating. There are attraction among people. Any given time, as long as there are people, there are attaction. I wish I could do a reality and documentary show that I am the tour guide for different cities. The focus is not about the city, but about the people in the city. When you pass a gal, tell her you are attacted to her. Be honest about attraction, come out of shell. It would have made things lot easier.
Fantasy
Maybe Yee and Gaia are my fantasy women that I knew in the past year. Fantasy is never true isn't it?
Surf boy
Finally, I feel close to this term after two weeks windsurf. The wind was strong and somehow the direction was not what it used to be. Maybe I came in an unusal time at this late sunday afternoon. I couldn't get my board surf upwind neither can I got it toward dock. I was rescued by a little girl in a fast boat in an awkward position: My butt and arm were forced on the sail that had a tendancy to fly upward. Eventually I gave up and lied down on the dock after being pulled back...That was about 10 minutes while I didn't know what to do. Here he came: a big guy in his 50's named David. David was awesome!! He showed me the technich otherwise sounding difficult in such a brisk that I was proudly surf upwind/downwind as I wish by the end of 20 minutes "lecture". Did I mention that English lady told me I had my wet suit backwards? The rule of thumb is zip is always on the back! Who and why there is such a dumb rule?
Revisit
From Russia with love; High fidelity
Everyone grows older
Pinpin is not an exception. Ah, pinpin my dearest geeky, female, "phd"ed, once-dormmated, once apartment-mated, on and off braced, gaining a little weighted, but still very fit, ultimate, newt friendly, is turning 27!!! Rafel, my ultimate best friend's boyfriend, super geeky, MITed, Stanforded, physics-equipped 26 years phd candidate, volunteered to experiment his new menu!!! Men, what was that fish he just steamed!! It smelled like puke!! There were probably 10 courses food, ranging from grilled corn, wrapped by aluminum; steamed stinking shark meat, wrapped by aluminum; sauteed green beans, actually nice; tastless pasta; huge homemade bread; sliced vegitables ready for burger; over-burned meat pad; crispy hot dog wrapped by aluminum; sweet patato grilled and wrapped in aluminum, served with Japanese Sang bear at size of a shot glass, along with funny shaped cake: quite a feast! Don't foget chips and dips, that is some sweetest dip I have ever tried in my entire life and I gave up after first bite. This was a helarious experimental dinner, brought to you by a pair of top science phd candidates. Our topic went way back to those I have not reviewed since early teen age: like how to keep plant from unecessary death, how to tell a plant is dying or not, why pinpin's fog could have survived 5 years and even going stronger while fog seller told her 5 years ago it would only last for 6 months. I learned how to feed fish with fish worms. How to tap at water tank to get frog's attention. Obviously, Phil was on our topic and how strange the Chemical Engineering's graduation ceremony went while each of 20 students got more than 5 minutes memory fresh from their professors while Phil, the drop-out-then came-back-by-paying-tuition-himself-getting-a-master-engineering-degree, was almost left out unnoticed. How minhank eventually got a girlfriend after all these years. I even left "30% off" sign untouched on the kit I bought for her!!!
War and Peace
Why people kill people
Why people let people suffer
Who is right
Who is wrong
What am I doing
What is my job title
Why is my job so significant
While others are dying
We live in peace
While others rush to frontline
Write down the pain of
those unknown brothers, sisters
Those Bagdad's old actors,
who struggle to find work
in a destroyed world
Those piano man
Playing in the rain of the bullets
Those lovers
acompany their loved ones
Recording the tragedy of humanity
Those mothers, fathers
who let unknown photographers, jounalists
shoot the picture of their dead sons, doughters
Those buautiful little girls
who never have chance
to put on makeup
wear pretty dress
Escaping, hiding
become life's norm
So what is my job
So why am I here
If there is a valet, always valet
:)
Gaia she is in my heart
I'm so tired to being alone
surrounded by everything but home
And I don't know what I am
That dancer on the stage
Eyes are foggy
Arms are reaching out
Sweats come off
And I am still smiling
To your presence
I losed all
Do I have to go through it
To feel the pain
Why am I feeling it
Just looking at your face
You always smile
Through strands of curly hair
But to me you are no longer
Who it used to be
Your voice it lingers me
Your lips it waves the msg
I'm not yours
Crossing paths
You are almost gone
Only a remote look from you
Through the crowd
I am defeated
Her Immortal is not me
I am so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seems to heal
The pain is just too real
There is just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wiped away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it hounds
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There is just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you are gone
But you are still with me
I've been alone all along
Met Gaia
I'm not even sure spelling her name right. It was 12:30am and the line was still long, things always happen when u least expect it, I saw a familar face: that is Gaia. My heart almost jumpped out of my mouth all of a sudden, I wasn't sure what I should do. We have been trying to avoid each other in person for two month! I saw her facing a huge fan, dancing by the rythm, her hair was flowing, she looked beautiful, just like the first night I met her. I'm not ready to say hi yet. So I sneaked through tons of crowds just to hide in a corner so we would not find each other...Three basses later, I got high and jumped on the stage dancing like no one is watching. With blue monday's strong beats, I seemed to find back my true self, as if everything else in the lift doesn't matter, here and now, I am the one under the neon light dancing the night away. The crowds were high, beer smells feed up the entire floor and the air, I didn't know what I was looking at, my body, my emotion, my expression, my sight were mixing up, I saw love from everywhere, I saw Gaia, she came to the back room where I normally danced. That was almost the best way I could imagine to bump into her: no embarrassing hello, just the night's smile. She smiled at me, through her flowing hair. I saw that indian boy who has been dancing here as long as me, he was smiling at me, I smiled back; They are two people I like to see at night and I did. No more hate, no more misunderstanding, just music, beats, love, smile and fuzzy words. Boys were around Gaia, but I knew she was looking at me, if she really tried to avoid she could have avoided me entirely, but now and here, she is here dancing and looking at me through her flowing hair. I was happy, dancing makes me happy more than pleasing her at that moment, I didn't care anymore, I tried, she gave up. But I knew she wouldn't leave until we spoke. I jumped off the stage and started dancing with her, we both smiled at each other. "bad girl, you are not returning my call"I almost screamed through the heavy beats only to find my words were so weak. "I am sorry, I suck, I am sorry" she screamed back. We danced more. "how's Chicago?" she asked. "oh, you did receive my voice mail" I was surprised. "yes, I suck", "but why?" I wanted to ask why she didn't return my call even she asked me call her. But I didn't. I know remotely the cause of it. In today's world, a man has to speak up. It's a difficult for me, everything is different, it's a different country, different culture, different people, language, attitude. I am too classic to speak up. I wish I will not regret. I was almost over Gaia, but she dropped right in front of me again. Destiny seems to play a game.
