Whats sexual frustration
Many years ago, I was supposed to meet my later ex-wife for the first time at a dining place in Shanghai. We briefly contacted each other online and arranged our meeting, I was anxious, excited...until the moment I didn't see her at the place where we were supposed to meet that night. For about 60 minutes after realizing I would not be able to see her, I had swollen my pride and take the bus back to my parent's tiny apartment in shanghai. I felt the summer scorch burning me inside out, I wanted abuse my body, my penis, my manhood, I felt utterly defeated. What a loser had I become: to be stood up by some woman I never met online. When a few hours later, she texted me back about the logistic problem and the same defeated feeling insider of her, I felt relieved. It was just my thoughts that played out such a negative serendipity, which at different times would turn into positive ones. and she became my wife one day. yes, then we would also split and divorce, I would become utterly heartbroken for many years to come until I said goodbye to my 30s, just one day at London, she agreed to see me again. When I saw her for the first time in almost 5 years, I almost bursted into tears. She was siting in a busy wine shop utterly alone, she looked around and at her watch, almost cried as she must be thinking that I would not be showing up after 20 minutes of wait, but I did. I appeared right in front of her. Her neck, her hands look equally supple and smooth and feminine as they always were in my faded memory. She wore the same sky blue sweater when she was with me 5 years ago. But she had tiny diamond ear ring, an elegant necklace subtle but golden, Omega watch that she just bought for her own Christmas gift. She used to buy elegant Christmas present for me. She has aged, even gained a lot of weight. But in my eyes, she is the same angel, same wife I always loved. But this time, after seeing her, I finally come to realize all that we had together was gone. She has become another person living in another world, even her English accent was now stronger that I need to pay closer attention to fully understand. But I was happy that she is a good place in her life, and has good man she wants to fall in love with, and is working on it. Fast forward to today, lets call her L, L finally asked me and another friend for wine after work on Friday evening, and we continued on with our journey to the city for dinner, dance...it all sounded good. Except that I felt utterly defeated, alone and unhappy the whole night. I could not believe that L had so much more connection with my friend than me. The whole night she was sitting with him on the train ride, walking him, jumping on his back, giving him a lap dance, and almost completely ignored me. I must have done something wrong in the past. L was a fun girl who broadcast her sexual desires to the whole world, collecting unwanted desires, maybe mine was part of it. Maybe when it comes to woman, you don't talk about sex when you want it, woman can talk however whatever she wants, because she holds the sexual power over men. I was too blunt, in a sense I was just too naive, in the end, I was the victim who feels more hurt. On KQED world TV today, I overheard Rick Steve talked about negative serendipity and positive one, what we can control and not. That Friday night's complete disaster revealed something I did not know before: that things are not what it appears to be when they are in a confined environment like workspace, the real feeling shines out when people feel free. L let her huge amount of affection shine out for my friend on a Friday night outing, and that defeated my pride.
posted by Road less travelled @ 9:09 PM
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