Always thinking

Heart break and channel all my energy

The past couple of days has been emotional roller coaster. I thought with 3 years gone by, Caroline would finally calm down and look back at the days we spent together and realize there are sweet moments we shared, and realized that I did try my best to support us while sharing those sweet moments. But nothing from her. After 3.5 years, she still resent every bit of fact that she think she was being "dumped" and "left" behind by me without any resources given to her, completely cut off. She's finally gone so far saying the most cruel thing once in-loved could say to each other: "I feel nothing for you any more and let it drop." "...my only mistake is to be with you in the first place". Listen to that! Look at that! Read that! She then immediately "blocked" me on facebook, completely disappeared again. We did that before. She blocked me before, then she requested friend to me again, then she started "liking" my status. Why? I'm still in love with that Caroline who I didn't know how to love, how to express love. But she took it to the bottom of her heart. I didn't want to hear anything from her for 2 years because I know it'll be extremely hard for me to learn from facebook that my beautiful wife once is in someone else' arm while resenting me. I really don't deserve this hatred. I tried my best, maybe I just have to admit that I'm a man, part of it is a man has limitations. Regardless, I have burning desire to see her in India someday, and to look her in the eyes and tell her that I always meant to love her, that I just didn't know how, that I have learnt to treat a woman with tenderness, respect, love and love and love. I'm not sure she will ever give me that chance. The hurt from her words went deep into my heart like a sharp knife, cutting it into pieces, I can see it bleed. I would wake up in the middle of the night longing for the love from her once again. Her head leaning on my shoulder, look into the distance, her slim long tender fingers cross mine, we were one. Aside from love and family, God has left me without family, without wealth, without love for 15 years and with a purpose, for a reason. I believe I'm the man chosen to make great things happen. I believe that I can make that great thing happen. And I am not open to any woman before I can reach my full potential, I want to be able to indulge her, whoever she is that comes my way, appreciate who I really am, regardless how poor I am, how successful I am, how incapable of loving I am, still embrace me.

posted by Road less travelled @ 11:33 PM