Always thinking: 04/01/2004

D'Orchampt Street

is the tiniest sidewalk in paris, according to Xiaver in Movie "L'auberge espagnole".

Astrology says

for aquarius, "If you're not out dashing around with the usual suspects tonight, you'll still be in the mood to chat. Why not use up some of those free minutes on that certain someone who's been on your mind all week?". I don't really believe in daily guides on Astrology, even though I don't really not believe in Astrology. So I am going to call Gaia, I have found a great movie called "L'Auberge Espagnole", you have to watch it, from begining to end. Astrology says today is good to use free minutes to chat up someone, so I am calling you. For sure watch it, let me know what you think. My next destination will be the "D'Orchampt street" at Paris, it's the tiniest sidewalk in Paris, is where we got our first kiss...so how's the living hell you described earlier before you ever returning my call? You know it's strange, that I have been to cat club for a while now, I have not been thinking about one girl like thinking of you, that is I don't think of other girls at all when I think of you. I swear I am not boring, maybe I am not that hip even I can be? and I know you probably think we are not same type, but there was attraction between us, and you said "it's a shame not approach each other", please don't give up, and let me know what you think of us, even just as friend, I don't need another friend, but can we be one? Tonight, I find I can love you, possibly.

Attraction and Kissing

That was some good time and dance with Raquer, who "admires" me. She has soft lips and she is the best kisser I have been with, sensual, seductive. But my mind is not on her, nor others. Kissing to me doesn't mean anything more than flirtation if not attraction. I am not attracted to her. She is a cool girl. I was thinking, am still thinking about Gaia, the one I need. Gaia has all my attention. Though we never kissed, never crazily danced, nor got intimate. Attraction is so different.

Sweet things

Be sweet, I want to do something sweet to Gaia, I want to be sweet to her. Am I a sweet guy? I don't know. What is sweet guy? but I don't even know where she lives, we only briefly met 3 times, the rest is mainly long talk over the phone. Gaia, what are you doing at this moment? Catching bus for your next class? Making up for the sleepless night? Last minute cranking on homework due this afternoon? What are you doing at this minute, where are you at? What are you wearing? Do you think of me at all? I want to know...

I have an attachment

to my weblog, it was newly discovered. Fear it maybe googled though, the ultimate dairy book is still in my local drive. Gaia has been dominating my mind for well beyond two weeks now. I hope she knows. I hope she is alright, I hope she is not losing her cell phone. There are many ways to talk to her live time, if I doubt she is trying to avoid me. But I want her know it was me who was calling before she makes decision whether to pick up or not. I don't want to fall in the game of cheating, stalking: that is not my cup of tea. If we belong to each other, time will prove to her we should get together. Time! Time is one thing that kills me slowly. Every minute seems drudgery to spend. I could not focus on anything that I should do. I have no desire to develop any new interest, like sailing, performance dancing or sky diving. Those are something I planned to do in 2004, but I can not do any of those. I want to do it with someone that I enjoy being with in the long term. I want to do things with Gaia, things like to take a long walk in foliage covered streets, or grocery shopping at Safeway. And we both love 80's, we both love dancing. I still remember her faked prom party dressing evening: that was the first time I saw her. She was in all white skirt, like an angel, her eyes was covered randomly by strings of her hair, I could see her smile, I wonder if it was for me? We danced together, until, as what she said later to me, "some girl took you away". I wonder what she is doing tonight? I miss her.

Love is a disease

and foliage is one unusal word I barely heard people talk in daily life, but Gaia said that in our first date

Life seems to be filled with things

that were just like the ghost Orchid, wonderful too imagined, easy to fall in love with, although a little fantastic and fleeting, and out of reach...

It's intoxicating to be around somebody so...alive

hey, I think I should play me...

Whittle the world down to a more manageable size

...focus on one thing that you care deeply about, then write about it. I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately. that is the adaptation. Is it talking about love? There are so many different kinds beauties in the world...Or is it about variety yet individualism? Adaptation...adapt from varieties to certain kind that you care deeply about it. There are things worth to be adapted. Fat, bald sad Kaufmann...Charlie...Donald, fat, bald happy Kaufmann. Such a delicacy.

Gaia

called! I was sooooooooo happy!!! The entire world of mine is lighted up. I see flowers, smell roses, I see clouds flying in the sky, birds humming in the woods, old trees look greener, coleman ave looks quieter and prettier. Keyboard feels like magnetics pad and my finger typed like made of metal...I can sense the smile underneath my skin, Harley Davidson is no longer too loud, cell phone reception is no more problem: I can just walk out to the street. Gaia said: "I don't think we should (feel weird)". And I will go rent the "adaption" or "adaptation", which Gaia thinks it really good. And I will simply skate over. It's only two miles!

I am already having strong feeling

about this house: 1021 coleman ave., it's a place full of female's intelligence and beauty. Dancy helped me moved me, Lynn helped me redesigned my "suite", then came my best friends' visit. Then came the rose hot tub. Jim said I was too horney to resisit not to leaving for another place at middle of the night. We all laughed...It was good time to jump right into the freezing swimming pool out of the hot tub. It felt like acupuncture when you came back. Every cells in your body was singing. This is a place full of life and humanity. It's a place where Gaia drove all the way from San Francisco at a weekday evening just to see me. Two weeks living here has surpassed all emotions that any other previous off campus places in bay area have accumulated. The air is rosy, the tree is high. And sky feels like New Mexico. Am I on the school ven from Portales to Clovis? Where are all my friends?

And the reason is you

Lynn is leaving, assumably forever, for China. Jim and Susan are hosting a farewell dinner for her, I was also invited. It was very nice, warm, much like a family. We cracked jokes, remember passed stories, and predict the future. We laughed, we smiled. The food is good, Charles Shaw's cheap wine indeed beat our expectation. For the first time of my life, I truely appreciated the beauty of Vegetable salad. A person should be happy, satifisfied around good friends, food. But something is missing, that is the call from you. I waited three days after our little movie date, finally called you at 1pm. After that, every minute became so slow. almost 12 hours passed, there is no sign of call from you. What happened? We used to talk like life will never end, and night never goes away. I am too captivated by you eyes, I want to know everything about you: what you like to eat, when do you go to bed, what do you read, listen. What is in your mind. I don't want to shy away from beautiful you, even that was what I did. I am not boring I swear, you know that, or you wouldn't be attracted to me at first place. I was just shy, too afraid to offend you so to lose you. The longest record in our two weeks romance without call back is last Saturday, I called, it took you more than 24 hours to get back to me. And I didn't call back in 24 hours, and you even called back. You even called me before you headed out to visit me, just to ask me whether I still want you to visit me. I laughed, a good kind of laugh, I will cancel everything for you to visit me. And now you are not calling. I know you are fine, but I am not. Every minute is drudgery. Every thought creates pain. Gaia, call me...

...Can you wait for thursday to happen?...

...Yes...
...I can't...
...You can't, do you want to wait?...
...I have to...

Johnny is a good person...

..Really? Why do you say that?...
..I am reading his email...
..Really?...
..But he sucks...

lol...

You are so quiet

..So are you...
...because you are typing...
...I am typing...
...say something...

"You make me feel alive inside"

I can intrigue anyone, everyone, but my parents. In their minds, eyes, I am always a baby who can not do anything right, say anything smart...

I don't want to let you go...

but I can not keep you...

I want to get lost

in U....

Today is a day for many things to begin and end

My dad got out of hospital after a small surgery. Kevin the customer got his last day at work lunch treat from Erica and I. Dancy felt strongly that I don't like her enough to have a relationship. Billy the cat pooped at both restrooms and made quite a big mass. Our little venture eventually pulled out its first post spring break meeting. My cell phone just did not work out today at all to make even one decent phone call. What is human? What is human's affection toward each other? Could that affection be cultivated and become stronger as it grows? It's been more than a month that we hang out together, most of the time, I even felt living a life like a normal couple. But I am hiding something that I am so aware of yet can not tell her. What is so big to lose? I do not know. It is just like prior to breakup with Lydia: something was not right, You could feel it, but you do not wish to expose it to each other. There seem to be things that couples do that one person can not live without after getting used to. Something will be missing. How painful will it be? Ah, Dancy...those sunny days we were together, the funky haircut you gave me, those photos by the ocean with seaguls, those trips spent in that little hybrid prius, and my little new nest hidden in the palo alto's woods, hand made by you......I will be missing...

Always thinking

Friday, April 30, 2004

D'Orchampt Street

Astrology says

Attraction and Kissing

Monday, April 26, 2004

Sweet things

I have an attachment

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Love is a disease

Monday, April 19, 2004