Happy birthday to me
Today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.
Yesterday I started reading the famous book written in the 30s by Napoleon Hill, think and grow rich.
The burning desire to succeed is driving me the new height of my career, and my destiny of making a change.
Heart break and channel all my energy
The past couple of days has been emotional roller coaster. I thought with 3 years gone by, Caroline would finally calm down and look back at the days we spent together and realize there are sweet moments we shared, and realized that I did try my best to support us while sharing those sweet moments.
But nothing from her.
After 3.5 years, she still resent every bit of fact that she think she was being "dumped" and "left" behind by me without any resources given to her, completely cut off. She's finally gone so far saying the most cruel thing once in-loved could say to each other: "I feel nothing for you any more and let it drop." "...my only mistake is to be with you in the first place".
Listen to that! Look at that! Read that! She then immediately "blocked" me on facebook, completely disappeared again.
We did that before. She blocked me before, then she requested friend to me again, then she started "liking" my status. Why? I'm still in love with that Caroline who I didn't know how to love, how to express love. But she took it to the bottom of her heart. I didn't want to hear anything from her for 2 years because I know it'll be extremely hard for me to learn from facebook that my beautiful wife once is in someone else' arm while resenting me.
I really don't deserve this hatred. I tried my best, maybe I just have to admit that I'm a man, part of it is a man has limitations.
Regardless, I have burning desire to see her in India someday, and to look her in the eyes and tell her that I always meant to love her, that I just didn't know how, that I have learnt to treat a woman with tenderness, respect, love and love and love. I'm not sure she will ever give me that chance.
The hurt from her words went deep into my heart like a sharp knife, cutting it into pieces, I can see it bleed. I would wake up in the middle of the night longing for the love from her once again. Her head leaning on my shoulder, look into the distance, her slim long tender fingers cross mine, we were one.
Aside from love and family, God has left me without family, without wealth, without love for 15 years and with a purpose, for a reason. I believe I'm the man chosen to make great things happen. I believe that I can make that great thing happen. And I am not open to any woman before I can reach my full potential, I want to be able to indulge her, whoever she is that comes my way, appreciate who I really am, regardless how poor I am, how successful I am, how incapable of loving I am, still embrace me.
An emotional day
I've been facebooking back and forth with Caroline and her final replies couldn't be colder, she is very bitter about us, somehow I went from being extremely sad, to being pragmatic in a day. She is right: I have to realize what I did wrong in order to move on and heal. I can't just look at the surface of the problems and feel sorry about it. I either have a bad memory or I am not good at caring for others, but how I managed to completely screw up relationship with such a sensible, beautiful, intelligent woman is beyond me. I hope one day I can see her again, no matter how many wrinkles are on our face, I have to right this wrong I did to the love of my life.
First day of 2013
I started this blog at later part of 2013. Hard to imagine it's been 10 years.
The main theme for 2013 NYE is "to create". Instead of snuggling at home watching NBC's New Year count down, I went out for a run to the golden gate bridge water front to watch the fireworks from the distance. It got really cold and I almost got the cold if without my ginger soup and super hot shower.
Comes to new years day today. Did laundry for guest, cooked a bit during the day so it doesn't smell cooking too much at night which makes it hard to sleep for me. Like Christmas day when I was basically emailing with Noah back and forth, today I went to his blog to draw some insights, and made a comment to his 2013 goal article, as i'm writing this sentence, he emailed me back with "nice comment, sometime your body and self knows what to do".
I made a 7 min video shooting at my entire apartment, people who don't know me must think I'm living it large. I had lots of emotions coming out of that video because I miss my exwife Caroline, who i have not seen for almost 4 years. I just facebooked her on NYE and she quickly replied. I miss her a lot. I don't know what I would do but I would not think twice had I have the resource to go find her back. I hope somehow she will SENSE it in me.
So many years have gone by, I have seen so many gorgeous, intelligent women, only Caroline stole my heart, and she still has it.
I had a call with my parents as well, I know it won't but am hoping miracle would happen that I can see them again before 2 years' no seeing comes up in February.
Creating, creating, creating.
Adding value, adding value, adding value.
Trying to be happy.
