Dreadful beautiful weekends
Weekends, summer, beautiful weather, ocean, beach, holidays...these are what life is about in your spare time: enjoying life. But now I am afraid of them, any of them, all of them.
What weekends are in it for me? Nothing. I don't look forward to weekends, beautiful weathers, they only make loneliness stand out more, make life harder to go by. Yes I want to be own boss, command my own destiny, do whatever I want, meet whoever I wish for. No I am not there yet, to do it alone. Being alone is the only option that I have.
Once you deeply engage another human being in a committed relationship, you become attached to anything it stands for. When suddenly it left you, life becomes hollow, people say time is the best remedy. But it has proven to be hard.
My mind is constantly off the career I work hard to pursue, it's constantly wandering. Time is a timed bomb on its own. sometime I just have to turn to TV for some distraction, it works, but far from solving my problem.
Letting go is hard.
Hanging on to it is hard.
I have the urge
Yes, I do. I have the urge to talk to her, contact her constantly, know where she is, what she does, how she thinks about us, or at all.
Love is painful. And I only first handed taste the heart stabbing pain, but what can I do?
I know the right thing, or smart thing for me to do is to wait out, let patience win at the end of the story. Only if I can win a war against myself.
Was I too cruel to my ex-love, is this a revenge from high above?
Another July 4th
Exactly a year ago I managed to escape from America to soak myself into the heat wave of Shanghai China, that was my first time in 11 years spending July 4th out of America, it felt rather good. A year gone by, I am here again, alone with no one's company, living in my big apartment on top of the pacific height. I have been thinking about what family means to me, been thinking about what Caroline, my wife means to me. I put some money in her account today to save her from all the troubles in India, giving her a little extra to spend, while focusing on her writing. I think she can only become happy when she finds the success somehow in her nonexistent career. A brilliant woman, she has not managed to stand on her own feet, I want her happy, I want to make her happy, only that we can have a chance to continue on with our fragile, shattered relationship. I have been able to think on her feet, making it easier to not communicate with her, let her to find her own path, give her space and room.
Another July 4th, only this time, I am feeling great about my company and my side project: my company gives me root, a sense of stability, happiness and family. My side project is taking shape, I am thinking about Karma, I am thinking about giving, instead of taking. I am thinking about helping others, helping my wife to go through difficult time with me.
I am sitting in a beautiful apartment by the large windows overseeing half the city of San Francisco, first time in my flowing life in America I am feeling this a bit: home.
