Back in SF
Ah, I am back, back in US of A, back in San Francisco, the city with the coldest summer. And it's more so now, especially when u think back those steamy summer days in Shanghai. The whole city of San Francisco seems diminishing: where are the cars, where are the people? Where are the lives? Is this where I have been living in for 9 years? Where are the friends?
The last days in Shanghai turned up better, I got to know Caroline, a lovely girl from England who has been living/working in Shanghai for 5 years, and there are lot of westerners like her living/working in shanghai for years. She introduced me to the modern side of Shanghai, she knows so many people (mainly westerners) it's almost shocking to me. We made love, entrenched in the ocean of our sweats, hours and hours, felt like both of us were engulfing each other's body, couldn't get enough. She was an Oxford graduate, a smart one. I wonder what will happen to us. What do I have in Shanghai? My dear parents, my long time friends, now Caroline, maybe Rabea will return to be one of those westerners living/working here for years.
I have never had stronger desire to go back to China to do my own thing. It's been years in bay area and America, yes I will miss it here. But life has come to a tipping point.
A bit of sadness
I have been back in Shanghai for a little over two weeks now, and in a few more days, I will be back to, my home? But where is my home? While my main purpose for the trip is to spend time with my parents, my nature still drove me to look for fun time whenever I can. The big differences are: old friends are no longer that close, and they all have their own family and business to attend. It's no longer that easy to gather everyone together for an old fashioned fun, distance is growing, sometime I feel hopeless for the ultimate happiness in life. What is happiness, would it ever come to me? Maybe the way I live my life in a fun-driven mood is no longer appropriate for a longlasting happiness? Unity, harmony and love seem to be so intangible, I am so rootless, do not feel at home when I am actually home. Parents are aging, older friends are with their happy family, younger friends are busy partying like no tomorrow, much like when I was in 10 years ago. On the trip to the top floor of Jinmao building in Pudong, I put a wish card on the wish tree, all in traditional Chinese red and xiangsi dou, I first wished my parent no longer lead a hard working life, like what they did for me, how they care for me. While I threw away/wasted hundreds of dollars on entertainment, they saved every penny for my future. I felt sad, I felt like a bad person.
Visiting Shanghai June 27 to July 14, 2008
Ah Shanghai, 3.5 years from last visit, I am here again. First time in 11 years I am not celebrating July 4th independence day in the States: to be honest, I have been a bit of tired of seeing homogeneous celebrating fireworks, BBQ, traffic reports everywhere and it's time to do something different. And different it is, that will be China.
For 10 years, my summer days in the states have been mild and comfortable, at times even cold, like now that I live in San Francisco. Shanghai's summer is unbearable, it's simply the baking time in oven. Every time I come back home, I have to take a shower to wash off all the salty sweat and cool off. That means a couple of time's showers every day. When day becomes this hot, it's simply impossible to do anything outside if you don't want to sweat. Exploring the city becomes a daunting mission.
However, I am happy just staying home with my parents, I have not spent too much time with them in the past 11 years and it's time for me to be their company, and I feel content to do so. Parents live a typical normal Chinese people's life, everything seems to be exactly like 20 years ago, how they shop, cook, wash etc. except now the apt is nicer, it's more convenient to shop and more options. The city gets a lot busier with cars/scooters everywhere. I wonder how they cope, sometime I worry those horrible traffic and countless people on the street, but my parents are already used to everything that are estranged to me.
Shanghai is an exciting city, I finally met Rabea who I knew and last saw when she was 15 years old. She has all grown into a beautiful woman, tall, slim, graceful and tender. I looked into her eyes and wonder, how many things have happened to her, to me, to everyone in these 4000 days.
