Shanghai
Shanghai, a city that outshines many cities, is now my new home. In the last 14 months since I got back to the city, I gradually let "the city" switched from San Francisco, to Shanghai, both are romantic, brutal, unsatisfying, but here in shanghai, I feel constant peace with my aging parents by my side, work is equally if not more important to me than before, but in a few years, I will say goodbye to my 40s, I will do many things that a man has to but a man like me has delayed thus far to do. As I'm typing these words, I wonder, what is the language I feel most comfortable expressing? Where is my destination? What is "peace" for me? In a corner of shanghai, I sip coffee and American music at a french bakery in a neighborhood popular with westerners, it feels slightly strange. I am drawn to this spot almost every week, yet, I feel blocking western culture purposefully, including language, but its more natural to write in a language that's not mine.
Adaptation revisit (movie)
10 years ago when I was "dating" Gaia, a beautiful art student in academy of art University, she asked me to watch Adaptation, the movie. Now, 10 years later, I am watching it again on a Saturday night, trying to see what I have lived in the past 10 years.
Whats sexual frustration
Many years ago, I was supposed to meet my later ex-wife for the first time at a dining place in Shanghai. We briefly contacted each other online and arranged our meeting, I was anxious, excited...until the moment I didn't see her at the place where we were supposed to meet that night. For about 60 minutes after realizing I would not be able to see her, I had swollen my pride and take the bus back to my parent's tiny apartment in shanghai. I felt the summer scorch burning me inside out, I wanted abuse my body, my penis, my manhood, I felt utterly defeated. What a loser had I become: to be stood up by some woman I never met online.
When a few hours later, she texted me back about the logistic problem and the same defeated feeling insider of her, I felt relieved. It was just my thoughts that played out such a negative serendipity, which at different times would turn into positive ones. and she became my wife one day. yes, then we would also split and divorce, I would become utterly heartbroken for many years to come until I said goodbye to my 30s, just one day at London, she agreed to see me again. When I saw her for the first time in almost 5 years, I almost bursted into tears. She was siting in a busy wine shop utterly alone, she looked around and at her watch, almost cried as she must be thinking that I would not be showing up after 20 minutes of wait, but I did. I appeared right in front of her. Her neck, her hands look equally supple and smooth and feminine as they always were in my faded memory. She wore the same sky blue sweater when she was with me 5 years ago. But she had tiny diamond ear ring, an elegant necklace subtle but golden, Omega watch that she just bought for her own Christmas gift. She used to buy elegant Christmas present for me. She has aged, even gained a lot of weight. But in my eyes, she is the same angel, same wife I always loved. But this time, after seeing her, I finally come to realize all that we had together was gone. She has become another person living in another world, even her English accent was now stronger that I need to pay closer attention to fully understand. But I was happy that she is a good place in her life, and has good man she wants to fall in love with, and is working on it.
Fast forward to today, lets call her L, L finally asked me and another friend for wine after work on Friday evening, and we continued on with our journey to the city for dinner, dance...it all sounded good. Except that I felt utterly defeated, alone and unhappy the whole night. I could not believe that L had so much more connection with my friend than me. The whole night she was sitting with him on the train ride, walking him, jumping on his back, giving him a lap dance, and almost completely ignored me. I must have done something wrong in the past. L was a fun girl who broadcast her sexual desires to the whole world, collecting unwanted desires, maybe mine was part of it. Maybe when it comes to woman, you don't talk about sex when you want it, woman can talk however whatever she wants, because she holds the sexual power over men. I was too blunt, in a sense I was just too naive, in the end, I was the victim who feels more hurt.
On KQED world TV today, I overheard Rick Steve talked about negative serendipity and positive one, what we can control and not. That Friday night's complete disaster revealed something I did not know before: that things are not what it appears to be when they are in a confined environment like workspace, the real feeling shines out when people feel free. L let her huge amount of affection shine out for my friend on a Friday night outing, and that defeated my pride.
London
I started my London trip from the strange part of it, that doesn't look or feel like England at all, except weather. It was cold, wet, wembley area is largely taken over by very poor Indian population, it was simply miserable even at the most festive time Christmas. Its so bad that I started regretting my decision to come.
It didn't help when the gorgeous girl I thought she was was nowhere like what she looked online. In fact, there is zero chance for me to date her had we first met in real life. I felt sad for her. Other than being not my type, she is actually quite an interesting girl, but like many who never really had proper parental love, even as she tried, life is simply too large for her, I think. She would spit her half chewed lamb back into her plate, she would tangle all her limps in all directions when she felt soreness. When a little drink takes a beating on her, her entire manner kingdom collapsed. Sitting next to her warm body sourounded by Chritsmasy English and England's many colorful people, I felt utterly alone and cold. How could a girl like her survive the cruelty of life ahead. How?
Back against wall
The desire for success is so strong it suffocates me, I can't smile, breath, play, interact. I always frown when I'm alone, I can not sleep, I've pushed myself into a corner, no, the corner of the same city where I set out to do glorious things 14 years ago but failed to do. I'm too scared, too unwilling, too hesitant. I can and am able, but my pride holds me back. I rather suffer and take my aging parents along with the ride.
I'm pushed all the way to the edge of the cliff by a wall of suffocating air of pride, almost sexual desire for success. Its driving me crazy. I can no longer smile. Tears flow backdown inside of me.
Embrace Steve Pavlina
My friend Paul introduced Stevepavlina.com to me a year ago when he first stayed at my place. That was 2012 Mar., for the rest of 2012, I chased a simple idea of doing a startup, naively. I spent whole year working on the product, dragged my friend into this and kept him out of his family activity for very long time. I did not know any better. I thought it's about the product. I thought a demo at some startup competition is the sign of success.
Surely, the "startup" did not succeed, or did not catch on as I surely wished it to. I gave the first 3 months of 2013 to test drive it and tested not working, it did.
Whats next. I started wandering, reading, listening, watching, just not doing. I told myself that I shall not "make" anything out of thin air without a good reason. No, a "good idea" is not a good reason.
Then what is a good reason?
My searching for the answer started. I'm on all my own. No family, Not many friends, No activities. The only human contacts I had was with my contract work and my airbnb guests. My entertainment? Nothing. I watched many movies alone at the theatre, often shamed to be seen and hid myself under a big hat and behind a big glasses. I wandered San Francisco's streets miles and miles with my head often empty, I was wanding alone, not even with thoughts. Simply killing time. I hardly have any natural smile shown on my face. Yet, the only good thing I did to myself is to stay physical, tried to be out doors often, running, playing soccer, surfing, I did not slack on my health.
There came the breaking point.
I started a "today" notes where I kept a "to do" list and "new idea" list on daily basis. It helped. But I find my thoughts are often glopping all over the sky, there is no trajectory, I was shooting a straight line to the top, I was simply listing lots of ideas without a strategy, I was simply circling, and circling will take me, or anyone to the starting point with time wasted.
Breaking point came when the pressure of age, time, most of all, the lack of doing anything meaningful, the belief that I should do much more all mounted to the point that I became the pressure cook waiting to explode.
Then I discovered the great Getsby, the movie and the book, even better written. I discovered audible.com that simply reads the book to me. I already am doing so much long walk, I would have read hundreds of books by now since I left my full time job, I would have found my purpose. but I have not.
Linkedin's Reid Hoffman's book "startup of you" got me in serious thinking about what makes me stand out, what my asset is, and how I can bring value to others. I recalled stevepavlina.com, the site my friend Paul recommended. At the same time, I discovered the meditation ground in SF: densely tree covered areas within presidio. I started spending sunday morning, noon, afternoon, early evening walking, hours of walking, often mixed with sitting down on a quiet grassland, I no longer get bored by walking, because now I can listen to Steve's podcasting, audible's books, soundcloud's sound stream while walking, iphone made it easy for me to read the book in the nature.
As I jogged down just a few days ago: I have a feeling that I'm getting closer to finding my purpose and starting something meaningful and valuable to people.
Universe is giving me signal, I just need to act upon and be ready.
Happy birthday to me
Today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.
Yesterday I started reading the famous book written in the 30s by Napoleon Hill, think and grow rich.
The burning desire to succeed is driving me the new height of my career, and my destiny of making a change.
