Always thinking

Looking back the first 4 months of 2011, I had mixed feelings. The past two years have not been easy for me, all I had toward my short lived marriage was sadness. I have never been in a mood to go out on dates, meet new people...I am not depressed, not in anyway. I guess it's the hope and knowing that one day I can find my true love...or have I found it before? It has not been easy for her as well, She has been struggling to prove (to me) that she can be someone, she still sends texts, or calls me occasionally saying the words I would have loved to hear when we were together. Last week she even said "I do love you, still do, yes, I do" I was a bit happy to hear that, but my feeling was mostly gone, even though at that moment, a light of hope came to my sight for a short while, I was asking myself: maybe we were destined to be together, after all these happenings, sadness, loneliness?

Yesterday I received the judge's conclusion on our divorce, it's done. I have a sense of relief, mixed with sadness. I texted her right away. 15 hours later, she texted back: good news...followed with a sudden drop of emotion, a slew of difficulties she newly encountered...The instant that I received her text, I knew it's gone, forever gone.

I crave simpleness, drama free relationship. I long for an afternoon walk just holding hands, that is all I crave, a walk with held hands.

More than 1/3 of 2011 has gone, I made a few changes to my life, all in anticipation for someone new walking into my life. I went to China, seeing my parents, went to Japan, saw the elegancy of Japanese life before the big quake and tsunami. I am making headways to a self controlled career, albeit slow and painful, all part of the march toward fruitful, enriched life with someone I love.