Always thinking

A date on Jan. 1 2010: First in my life

I never went on a real date on the new year's day ever. On Jan. 1, 2010, I did it with Jasmine. An incredibly beautiful, accomplished, talented Chinese woman who is truly close to be a perfect 10. Words popped out my mouth like magic when we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours, I can tell she was hooked with me.

"It does not make sense, at all", I said
"It does not?" She asked
"It does not, the world does not make sense, but you do" that is what I said, almost the commercial of "droid" (the world it doesn't, droid does)
"wow..."I heard her sound, followed by a bit of silence.

I told her I liked the Avatar, reciting two quotes from the movie: "from today on, you are the my mate of life"; "...I have gone through all toughs a human body can endure, only hope to find things worth fighting for..." I recited...I never tried to recite anything but I was really moved by those sentences in the movie. She was impressed, utterly. I was not trying to impress her. I did not read her website, her story; My heart was given to Caroline, I could not open up, but I tried to meet with new people. I never made effort to learn about her, only to find out she is an award winning artist, a true beauty of body and mind.

I had to admit, there was a tiny voice inside of me saying she is not gorgeous enough for me, although I was completely happy to have a glimpse of her skinny yet womanly body, round hips, beautiful chest, extremely narrow waist, she stands at 5'8; she is a perfect 10.

It was raining, I asked her
"are you comfortable?"
"Nooooo..." she was visibly upset for a moment, "you are not telling me anything about you...I have to try so hard to squeeze any information out of you, I can try but I will eventually give up if you stay like this." She told me.

I really did not know what to tell her. There are goofy beautiful women that I feel natural affinity with, she is not. She is noble, beautiful, she is not goofy, she has achieved a lot. There was not enough conversational chemistry there.

"I like you" I told her.
"as what?" she quickly replied. She is attracted to me, she wants me to engage a conversation with her, she wants me to show I am attracted to her.
"date like" I spit out, I knew it was not convincing. If I could keep my heart open to her, everything would have been fine. My heart was not there. I could go well casually with a good female friend, or a casual female friend with benefit, but there is not enough room in my heart for a serious girlfriend, my heart is still with Caroline. I am lost.

It was raining, I opened up my umbrella, holding her shoulder next to me, walking half silently. I could feel the waves of her curvy body colliding with mine, I felt the desire for her but I was controlling, she is extremely sexy.

She was upset that I did not engage conversation, did not use Mandarin with her as that is her preference. I did have my concern, she speaks amazingly good English, almost without accent. And she has only been to the states for a mere few years, she studied music, opera in China, then photography in Paris, she speaks French and Italian ok, man, she speaks four languages, has her own thing together, her apartment was gorgeously decorated. I thought mine would be nice to show, never had that thought after seeing her photos. What couldn't she achieve, I asked myself. I completely shut down on my conversation flow, I did not want to mention my schooling at Stanford, my working at Google, my startup (in fact they are all very credible and exciting), I stopped and shut myself down in front of this amazing woman. I consider myself a slacker, a late comer, a person who only works hard when it's absolutely necessary.

We ended at Groovy, a nice restaurant bar lounge in my neighborhood, it was filled with beautiful people, both of us look beautiful and sophisticated. But it all ends there. She said:"I want to go home, can we go home, I am tired".

That is it. Who said that wisdom "things always workout for the best". When you don't have the best intention, things will not workout to your intention, especially when you are not even sure about your intention. But it's the best result it could be.

I hope everyday of 2010 is like this: experience a wonder, learn something, be true to yourself.

posted by Road less travelled @ 8:17 PM